The Dirt on Me

Wow, has it ever been a hot minute since my last entry! I have endless gratitude for your patience. My last article was published on April 30^th, 2018. So much has happened since then. With a heap of difficult things to deal with, and no desire to speak publicly about them, it made for a blog-less year or two. Motivation seems to be an object of constant struggle, but hopefully this will be the start of a more regular (ish) writing schedule.

In my last blog entry titled Going for Gold, I had informed you all that I had accepted a laboratory position in a small town called Cochrane located in Northern Ontario. I was analyzing rock samples which were sent from mining companies to be tested for their gold content. This was an opportunity which I was eagerly looking forward to. The first few months were doable and I was doing ok while focusing on learning how to do my new job. However, I became very lonely while working in the small, remote town which I neither expected nor prepared for. I did not fully recognize how heavy an impact the change in environment, the lack of supports, and the absence of the people closest to me would have. I have a severely introverted personality type, and figured living in near isolation in the sub-arctic would be no problem. In fact, it’s what I always wanted; but when I ended up becoming more and more depressed as the weeks and months droned on, I realized that things where much different from what I had originally hoped for.

In August of 2018, after nearly a year of living in Cochrane, things became incredibly dark very quickly and everything came to a head. Attempting to deal with the isolation and deep depression, on top of very complicated personal situations was too much. I ended up having a mental break and was air lifted to an acute inpatient psychiatric unit in the North Bay Regional Health Center, four hours south of Cochrane. Unfortunately this was not the greatest experience, as mental health care systems anywhere can always be improved, but I did end up meeting two people who I consider to be great lifelong friends, and received a very important mental health diagnosis which brought a great deal of relief.

Before the break, self harm and suicidal ideation were at the forefront of my thoughts nearly every day for the better part of the couple years previous. I was acting in ways that were opposite of my true character, my mood would change very quickly, and my emotions would be felt incredibly deeply for dreadfully long periods of time. Even though I felt the lowest of lows, I did not experience the highest of highs which I thought might be associated with a possible diagnosis of possible Bipolar Disorder.

Over the last few years, I had started to become aware of the fact that depression and anxiety were not the only symptoms I had been experiencing. I was becoming more impatient, much more irritable, and I noticed that I would have frequent bursts of rage. To anyone who knows me in the slightest will recognize that this is not a trait which reared its head in the slightest bit throughout my past. However, looking back to my childhood, my teenage years, and my early to mid twenties, I was able to deduce some recurring patters pertaining to oversensitivity, poor self image, emotional regulation, impulsivity in certain areas, and a strong feeling of not belonging. The diagnosis which I received shed some light on some moments that were emotionally confusing for me growing up, in addition to the issues that were becoming more prevalent in adult-hood.

Things were becoming very intense and very scary in Cochrane, and I was without much of an explanation before arriving in North Bay. However, I was convinced that there was more than meets the eye when it came to my mental health. My reactions to certain situations did not make sense, or were completely irrational. I was making terrible and risky decisions, and beating myself up constantly, physically and emotionally. I was confused and frightened of what was happening to me internally. Never had things been so dark, not even eight and a half years ago with my first suicide attempt in the summer of 2011.

The diagnoses which I received in North Bay were Major Depressive Disorder (this wasn’t much of a surprise) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I felt a sense of relief, but I still felt hopeless when it came to receiving successful treatment. I just wanted to get better but at the time I felt that I had been so far gone, and that no amount of therapy or medicine could help. In my mind, I was a lost cause.

Simply put, Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness that affects the way you think and feel, causing issues and problems in everyday life. There are nine main symptoms, and to be officially diagnosed, one should be presenting at least five out of the possible nine. I want to remind you folks that this disorder can present itself in a number of different ways due to the possible combinations of symptoms one may or may not experience. Throughout this article, I have and will continue to provide you with my experience only. BPD may appear different or similar in other individuals with the diagnosis.

According to the Mayo Clinic, Psych Central and the National Alliance on Mental Illness, the following list describes the nine main symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Very few people, even the ones I hold closest have not been exposed to much of this side of me for numerous reasons. The main reason being the fact that the majority of the eleven years comprising my adult-hood so far, I have become fairly skilled at putting on a facade and hiding what is truly taking place.

I have provided some insight into what my experience is like with each of the nine symptoms relating to BPD below:

1. An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection.

This is one of the symptoms that a lot of people don’t see, and is more so internalized. However, when I get into a spat with a loved one, I automatically assume that they have had enough of me and will cut off all contact with me because I am too emotionally intense for them. I am convinced that it is the absolute end of the relationship. There is a constant fear that everyone I know and love will go away at some point. I feel that they deserve better than having to deal with me, and that I don’t deserve to have them around anyhow, even if they reassure me over and over that they are not going anywhere. All I can think of is, “Well, what about the next time this happens? Then you will surely have had enough.”

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, such as glorifying someone one moment (i.e. “I love you more than anything, you’re the best!”) and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel (i.e. “I hate you, you don’t love me!”). This can also be known as splitting, black-and-white thinking, or all-or-nothing reasoning.

“Splitting” is undeniably one of the symptoms which I experience the most strongly and most frequently. Although there have been major improvements in this area over the last year, it is sometimes impossible for me to recognize that this is what is actually happening as it is occurring. Splitting is a difficult concept to describe and understand, but essentially what happens is the rational and logical side of the brain literally splits from reality, and thinking can become intensely distorted and delusional. My current therapist has previously described it as a symptom of mild dissociation. My impulse control usually takes a nosedive when severely triggered and I can become erratic, hysterical, and extremely emotionally unstable. This is different from having a “split personality,” which is usually linked to Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This black-and-white way of thinking can also lead to obsessive behaviour or fixation in certain areas. It is an all-or-nothing way of thinking. When coming out of these episodes, it can happen slowly over time (ie: a period of a few days) where it seems like a type of mental fog is gradually lifting, or it can happen spontaneously where I will completely snap out of it and come to my sensibilities in an instant. My brain is constantly lying to me, and it can be exceedingly difficult to decipher reality from fiction.

3. Persistent identity disturbance, seeing yourself as bad, and having a distorted and unstable sense of self which affects moods, values, morals, opinions, goals and relationships.

I cannot remember a time in my life where I felt confident in myself, and I have always had insecurities or self esteem issues. I perceive myself as the outsider in group situations, and I have constant paranoia that people are always staring at me, judging me negatively, or talking about me secretively whether I know the person or not. This occurs around both strangers and my closest friends and family. In my mind, I assume that others are figuratively picking me apart when in reality I probably have not even crossed their minds. But then I think, “They must not care about me enough to have me enter their thoughts.” This is another example of the classic black-and-white thinking. My behaviour and actions may also mirror the behaviour of whom I admire or who I am around.

4. Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours, and/or dissociation – disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity, or experiencing out-of-body type of feelings.

As mentioned above, I do experience paranoia, loss of contact with reality, and minor dissociation. My brain lies to me continually, and I am left attempting to decipher what the truth is. What is factual and what is delusional? Is this in fact a negative emotional experience, or am I just perceiving it as such? It can be torturous and exhausting at times. I have to remind myself frequently that thoughts are not facts but it can be difficult to believe. As discussed above, this usually happens when I’ve been triggered or during episodes of splitting. Dissociation can affect Borderlines to a much more severe extent where sufferers can lose hours, days or weeks due to a period of severe dissociation. It may be described as an out-of-body experience. Thankfully this symptom is not as severe in my case.

5. Impulsive and risky behaviour in at least two areas such as gambling, reckless driving, risky relationships, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating, substance abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

This is a symptom which I experience moderately but not in all areas. Impulse control can be difficult to overcome in certain spaces. For example, I have impulse control issues when it comes to binge eating sugary foods, and also issues controlling verbal/text impulses when I am triggered. I can say hurtful things that I don’t mean out of anger or delusional thinking. I can flip like a switch for no apparent reason. If I perceive someone is going to leave or hurt me, even if it is not true, I may lash out to push them away so they can’t hurt me first. In addition, I want to push them away for the reason being that if they come back, it proves they do in fact love me. In retrospect I realize how berserk this sounds. In my experience, this symptom is again usually associated with splitting. In the past, I’ve had mild issues with reckless driving when having an episode, and I have unfortunately got myself into trouble by participating in risky and inappropriate relationships, as well as other impulsive and risky behaviours listed above.

6. Recurrent suicidal behavior, suicidal ideation, threats and attempts, as well as self mutilation or injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection.

For me, this has been a symptom which fluctuates in intensity, but always seems to be looming nearby. If something has triggered me, it can truly feel like the end of the world, like the heaviest grief, even if I had been in a good headspace for a while before the event. It can turn a mildly upsetting situation into a tragedy, and can quite often lead into a tailspin very rapidly. I’ve had suicide attempts in the past, and there have been extensive periods of time where I didn’t care if I lived or perished.

One form of self harm which seems to be a constant over the last 11 years or so is punching walls, tables or any nearby surface until my hand is bruised and swollen. By inflicting physical pain, it seems to be a way to distract myself from the mental anguish at the time. It serves as an option to feel something other than the relentless mental distress. Additionally, it serves as a form of punishment for when my brain is telling me I am a bad person for having these faults. Even though I have some experience with other forms of self harm, the urge to destroy objects with my fist is unquestionably one of the major physical impulses I seek to control. It is an act which usually occurs in private and can be described as undeniably frightening because it is an enormous departure from my regular personality. It does not align with who I am when I am mentally healthy and stable.

7. Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood with periods of intense depression, and wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense irritability, anxiety, or inappropriate emotional reactions – often followed by shame or guilt. Often overly sensitive and over-reactive.

This symptom ties in with others listed above. The feelings and emotions I experience are usually off the charts in terms of intensity. Any negative emotional experience feels like the deepest form of despair, but can also quickly turn into anger which may result in behaviours that lead to shame, guilt and regret. When I do experience positive emotions, which have been happening more frequently as of late, it is such a breath of fresh air but it can be difficult to fully enjoy those moments knowing that at some later date, these feelings might go away and things may cycle back around to being dark again. This way of thinking has created an eternal sense of impending doom which I am in the process of dismantling. At times it feels as though I do not deserve to feel joy because of some of the lousy things I have done in my life, although I believe this occurs on more of a subconscious level.

To illuminate the reality of emotional confusion at times, I will provide you with an example of an inappropriate emotional reaction which had occurred when my dad came to visit me in Cochrane near Christmas time. One day when I was at work, he generously purchased a couple things for my apartment. When I learned of this, instead of being grateful and appreciative like an average adult would be, my stress level and emotional state had been raised quite a few levels. Having physical possessions is stressful for me because I feel a sense of responsibility for them, and if there is too many items it can be very overwhelming. My brain went directly into a state of panic, and in the moment I was truly upset at my dad for doing this. In retrospect, it is apparent that I was not in a clear state of mind.

8. Ongoing & chronic feelings of emptiness.

This is a symptom which fluctuates in intensity in my case, and usually corresponds to higher levels of depression. There are times when I feel much fulfillment in my life. For example going to university for Earth Sciences was very fulfilling to me, and I loved the challenge it presented. Working a job in my field gives me a sense of fulfilment and accomplishment as well. At times, working can help to lift some of the symptoms of depression and emptiness. Perhaps it is the distraction of doing something that I take pleasure in.

On the other hand, there are times when I do feel empty and hollow, like a shell of my former self just merely existing and going through the motions of everyday life with no real conviction. During these times I struggle to show empathy or emotion, I don’t care about things as much, and I lose interest in hobbies or activities. There seems to be a lack of meaning or purpose in my life during these times. I isolate myself to a point of concern. I often dwell on social constructs and how I don’t fit into the boxes that society creates for us. I also brood over how the world has gone to shit and there’s nothing I can really do about it to make a significant difference.

I feel a sense of insignificance, hopelessness, low motivation, loss of pleasure, and lack of confidence in myself. In BPD, this is more than just boredom or dullness in one’s life. It is more than emptiness. It is a significant psychiatric stressor. It is being in a room full of people and feeling truly alone. It is a yearning for love, connection, understanding, and true fulfillment. It is a longing for validation. It is having a difficult time making friends and creating meaningful connections, which of course perpetuates the feelings of emptiness. At times it is like an abyss, staring into a vast dark hole but not knowing what you are searching for. It can be challenging to figure out who I am when these thoughts are present, especially with a distorted and degraded sense of self.

9. Inappropriate, intense/explosive anger, difficulty controlling anger, frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights.

According to Dr. Phil, anger is nothing more than an outward manifestation of hurt, fear and/or frustration; three emotions which I experience relatively frequently. Therefore, anger and emotional management has become integral to my recovery. Contrary to the issue surrounding impulse control and punching surfaces out of anger, most people see me as more of a gentle and passive person, and are usually caught off guard when there is a departure from my characteristically chilled-out self. This group of symptoms usually accompanies my episodes of splitting, and is not witnessed by a large group of people. It is a combination of lack of control over myself physically or verbally, and serves as an automatic defence mechanism so the other person in the situation can’t hurt me first. Being impulsively defensive does not allow me the chance to think things over before responding, and can escalate the situation further. I have never had an issue with physical fighting with others. I think it is a combination of the fear of repercussions and not wanting to hurt anyone else that is enough to stop these urges at times.

In my experience of attempting to describe Borderline Personality Disorder to others, I have found that explaining the title of the disorder to be vital as it can be misleading or incorrectly interpreted by many folks. It does not mean that those of us who have been diagnosed with BPD are on the border of having a personality disorder. It means that we are constantly on the border between neurosis (where one is mentally ill but does not loose contact with reality) and psychosis (where one is mentally ill and deals with a loss of touch with reality, including having delusions in my case).

As a cumulative result of the symptoms listed above, interpersonal relationships are often unstable. Over-sensitivity and over-reactivity in everyday situations are enormous hurdles. Changes in plans cause breakdowns. Little triggers for others are crisis moments for me. Nevertheless, over the past year and a half I have been learning how to manage these symptoms and have gained more control over myself and my emotions. There is no cure for BPD, but with medication and therapy, I am doing okay. I can see the progress I am making, and it is very motivating.

After my hospital stay in North Bay, I decided to leave my job (a very difficult decision) and surround myself with the family that I have residing in Calgary. Thanks to my sister, brother-in-law, and two beautiful nephews, I was given a chance to start over and get my life back, and for that I am eternally grateful.

In an attempt to bring this article back around to the Earth Sciences, I was able to land an eight month contract position working as a Laboratory Technician for AGAT Laboratories in the North East corner of the city. When I got the news I was hired I certainly felt a sense of relief and joy, and I seized the opportunity with enthusiasm.

Upon being hired, the lab manager had asked multiple times if I was certain I wanted to accept the position as he had informed me I was over-qualified for the job. While I had wished the position within the company was more challenging at times, it seemed like a good way to ease myself back into the industry after being off for eight months prior.

My job at AGAT Labs commenced on April 1, 2019 (no joke) and it was my responsibility to prepare water and soil/sludge samples to be analysed mainly for their metals content. I did plenty of weighing, digesting, filtering, leaching, pouring and measuring. I also carried out simple tests such as pH level, moisture content, and temperature change, as well as performed simple data analysis and ran basic instrumentation. It was a dirty job, but every stain on my lab coat was a reflection of all the hours I put in. It was nearly impossible to maintain that crispy white colour, but that was half the fun.

I have to be limited in what I say about the company in this post, as I had to sign a secrecy agreement prior to starting my job! However it is still very cool to me that I got to put on a lab coat every day. The lab is where I saw and continue to visualize myself-it is where I do my best work (despite all of the spills, acid burns, broken glass and dropped samples-sometimes I don’t know how they let me work there!), and it’s where I get to concurrently use my brain while working with my hands, which is very fulfilling to me.

My contract eventually came to an end in November 2019, and I am now in the process of figuring out the next step in my career. At times it can seem impossible to get through the day while dealing with mental and physical complications; however my mindset has improved to the point where I am looking forward to what is around the corner, rather than dreading every unknown detail. Will I be working in another lab? school? office? I would love to obtain a position focused strictly on data analysis as that was one of my favorite parts about working in a lab; trying to figure out if the test procedures make sense and ensuring the information is percise, accurate and valid.

For the time being I am trying to focus on improving myself in all aspects, and working on enjoying my time off. Time will tell where I end up next…but I will see you there!

 

 

Going for Gold

Good day everyone! Welcome to my first post of 2018! Firstly, I wanted to thank you graciously for continuing to read my content, even if it does veer away from geology at times. “Rock Bottom: Part 2” remains outstanding, but lets save that for another time. I must also issue an apology for the time that has passed since my last entry, as dealing with a severe lack of motivation has recently hindered production. For this article, I would like to wrap up my summer job experience of 2017, as well as touch on an exciting career advancement that I have had recently in the field of geology.

When the summer came to a close back in September, my contract with the Joggins Fossil Institute was about to expire. My time at Joggins was brief, but invaluable. I made new lifelong friends, and for anyone that knows me well, knows that this is not an easy feat as I lack the desire to be in social situations the majority of the time. In addition, I was able to gain a plethora of scientific knowledge; mostly relating to the Carboniferous Period which is when the geology of Joggins was formed (roughly 300 million years ago).

This information stemmed from my own research, but more importantly from coworkers and visitors to the museum. On one particular tour, I had the pleasure of leading a geologist who was involved in the discovery of the spectacular Carboniferous fossils in Wales. I was speaking with her about her work as it was coming time for her to leave, but I could tell she didn’t want to go. She was in awe to have seen the best representation of Carboniferous fossils in the world, and it showed plainly on her face.

I have learned over the course of the summer that geologists are a very modest breed of scientists. Most of the geologists I have lead on tours usually chose to go incognito, and if I happened to find out there was a geologist on my tour, chances are they were not an expert on the paleontology and geology of the Joggins Fossil Cliffs. Most scientists tend to concentrate on very specific subject matters, and the geologists that visited Joggins realized that they had much to learn about other geological topics, including the Fossil Cliffs. I was appreciative of the fact that they allowed me to teach them, and there were several things that they taught me.

I like to live by the short but simple quote once uttered by the popular scientist, Bill Nye. He said that “Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” This mindset allows me to be open-minded and provides me with the opportunity to learn from everyone I encounter, geologically or otherwise. The geologists I met this summer were thankfully of the same mindset. Conversely, the so called “know-it-alls” were typically rock hound hobbyists, who liked to think they knew more than anyone in the museum or on the beach. This is an exceedingly dangerous attitude to possess, because they are likely not open to learning very much. Why would they be if they think they already know everything? Fortunately, this personality type was encountered rather infrequently.

I also had the opportunity to learn a great deal about myself. Primarily, it has confirmed the fact that I am severely introverted, and that working with the general public is typically not my preference. I was able to grin and bear it, and used geology as a tool to help me converse with others. I even enjoyed it a lot of the time, and I miss being there now. But it took a lot out of me. On my two days off, I would mostly hibernate in my room, recovering from the amount of social interaction I had to partake in that previous week, and psyching myself into it for the following week.

Even though working with the general public is not my first choice, I learned that I was able to do it on a level I never thought possible. About 9 or 10 years ago at one of my first jobs working in a café, I was barely able to muster up a quiet “Hi” to the customers I was serving. Fast-forward to this past summer, and I was able to lead tours with upwards of 40 people, sometimes up to 4 hours in duration. Some time ago, I would have bet all of my possessions that this was something I could not have done, but I realized I was capable of more than I had once thought, even if it was uncomfortable at times. Every so often life will force you to dive in head first. That being said, I used geology as a crutch very heavily, but I was pleased to accomplish this personal feat. I mean, who else can say they lived as a rock star and were on tour every day of the week? Well, besides the person I stole that line from (Thanks, W.F.).

One afternoon at the end of a tour, a visitor had struck up a conversation with me, asking me if I was a geologist. I informed her I was, and she then proceeded to inform me that her son was also a geologist, but was leaving his job in Ontario for another position elsewhere. I asked her where he worked so I could take mental notes as there was now a new job opening in the geosciences field. She couldn’t remember what the name of the company was, so she called her son to ask him. Next thing I know, I am speaking with him on his mothers cell phone, still down on the beach, technically on paid-time. He asked me for my information, and the next week I received a call requesting my resume. The week after, I received a second call for a pre-screening interview. A few days following, I had a telephone interview with the managers of the site, and was offered the job a few days after that. I must say, I am forever indebted to this stranger on the beach and her son, for playing a massive part in helping me land my first permanent, full-time job since graduating.

The company which I am now working for is called SGS, and the position I hold is Geochemist/Wet Laboratory Technician. The “wet” refers to the fact that I work with liquid chemicals, such as various acids, cyanide, and of course water. We test and analyze rock samples to find out how much gold is in each sample, and report the data back to the client. These are mostly sent to us by various gold mining companies based in-and-around Northern Ontario. We also analyze samples for copper, carbon and sulfur, but gold is our main squeeze. I will not go into too much detail with an explanation of what we do in the lab in this publication; this will be the topic of perhaps the next blog article. There are many moving parts to this job, and it truly deserves a post of its own to allow for a proper description.

The town that I am now living in is called Cochrane in Northern Ontario (Canada, of course). The climate here is classed as sub-arctic, however, I didn’t truly realize just how much the weather varies from my home in Nova Scotia. The winter here runs from about October to April, and temperatures of -40 degrees Celsius are considered normal during the heart of the winter. The sky is consistently grey, and it seems to snow a little bit each day. The shrill sound of snowmobiles zipping on top of the compacted snow is surely to be heard at all times of the day and night, as everyone here seems to own one. For a good 5 months straight, I could count on one hand the number of times I saw the sun shining. It has been quite a difficult adjustment period.

At the present time, there does seem to be a good number of jobs for junior geologists in Canada. However, as a recent graduate with little geology-related work experience under my belt, I was mentally preparing myself to be unemployed or working another minimum wage job while searching for a job within the realm of geology. From graduation, to my summer at the Joggins Fossil Institute, to my current job at SGS, I couldn’t feel more appreciative. It is a calming feeling knowing that I now have a secure job; one that I always wanted, too.

Cochrane, Ontario. Photo from Wikipedia.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Hi folks! Well; what an interesting couple of months it has been! There is much to inform you about. In all honesty, I had an entirely different post set for publication about a month or two ago in relation
to the path my career has taken over the last while. It has been 100% positive news in my professional life lately, which I am deeply grateful for. I promise to update you on it soon. However, my personal life has decided to depart from this positivity as of late. In my post titled Rock Bottom: Part 1, I discuss my relationship with depression, and I made a statement that this blog page would be a safe platform for folks experiencing or dealing with mental health issues. In my heart and mind, I felt as if I could not publish the article I had originally intended to publish while currently feeling the way I am. From my perspective, it would act as a cover-up or a way to mask reality under the pretense that all is well. I feel as though it is time for me to utilise this safe space.

As a few of my closer friends or family members may be aware, I live with a chronic physical condition called Myofascial Pain Syndrome (MPS). This is a soft tissue disorder which mainly affects my neck, shoulders, and back. 

Firstly, allow me to define “fascia.” Fascia is a network of soft tissue with an elastic-like texture that forms a web-like structure throughout the entire body, and provides the body with stability and flexibility. It surrounds all organs, muscles and
cells. In people who live with MPS, this tissue becomes knotted up like a ball of yarn that you cannot untangle. The more you pull on the yarn, the tighter the knots become. As a result of this twisted up tissue, severe and constant pain is experienced.

It is not exactly known what the cause is for MPS, however it seems to be predominantly brought on by physical or emotional trauma. The tensile force in the contracted muscles of someone living with MPS is equivalent to up to 2000 pounds per square inch. It is very difficult and wearisome to attempt to describe the level of pain that can be brought on by this malfunctioning soft-tissue. It is very quick to be dismissed by many professionals and civilians who conclude that it is “just a pulled muscle” and will work itself out in time. To further this point, it is a condition which is not known to the majority of health professionals and society in general. This in itself is very defeating. It is a condition that I have been dealing with since the age of 18, and will persist through lifes entirety.
 

 In my experience, in addition to the physical pain, this condition is a cause for extreme fatigue. This is due to the fact that the muscles are contracted constantly. As
you are reading this, I would like you to ball up your fist and squeeze as hard as you can. Don’t stop. Keep squeezing. Use all of the energy you can muster. Keep going. Count to 10. Ok, stop and release. Not so easy, eh? Can you fathom trying to keep your fist balled up as tight as you can all day? How about all week, or all year? After a while, you wouldn’t be able to focus on much else. There may not be much pain associated with this, but I am sure it would exhaust you both physically and mentally. 

To add to the fatigue that accompanies this condition, medication is required to help manage the pain, which acts as a heavy sedative. It is very difficult to function as a “normal” member of society.

In my experience, it has become clear to me that it is important to make the people around me aware of my situation. It helps to create a vital support system, and the more people that are aware of my situation, the easier it is to ask for help. It creates and maintains a critical dialogue between myself and the people I surround myself with. This goes for both personal and professional relationships or situations. It is a very difficult thing to bring up, but to some degree it feels necessary.  One of the reasons for writing this article is to remind people that everyone is fighting their own battle that many others may not see. Therefore practicing kindness and compassion towards other humans can go a long way.

The emotional and mental fatigue caused by MPS can be another can of worms altogether. It is difficult to know where to begin when describing this, and it doesn’t help that I (and many other members of my family) possess a genetic predisposition to depression and mental health issues. In my case, these issues are prevalent on both my mothers and fathers side.

For me, it is usually depression lined with anxiety. It is a combination of never knowing when you will have relief, and trying to figure out how you will make it through the day. It is staying
in bed for days at a time because the pain is too great. It is relying on others when you want to remain independent. It is not eating healthy because you don’t have the energy to cook. It is feeling ashamed of being viewed as lazy. And as of late, it is not being able to enjoy my dream job. At this point in my life, I have finally obtained everything I have worked and hoped for in terms of my career in geology, and this condition removes any ability to enjoy it. It is chronic pain, and it is depressing.

Screenshot from Wikipedia

Rock Bottom: Part 1

Hi folks and welcome back! I want to jump right into things for this post; it will most likely be a longer one than usual, but I will split it into parts to ease the load. However, do not let the length deter you from reading as it will provide insight into why it took me 8 years to complete my Bachelor of Science degree, and will hopefully explain why I operate the way I do. We are all products of our environment and experiences, as well as genetics. I don’t want to skimp on this one; I am ready to tell all.

Well actually, the latter statement is somewhat inaccurate as I only just reached the conclusion that I will never be fully prepared to share my personal journey, so there is no better time than the present, right? It’s time to bite the bullet. This article is in no way a means to obtain attention, sympathy, or praise. I feel that it is imperative to maintain an open dialogue on mental health, and attempt to demolish the stigma associated with it. I also want to provide a space online where my readers can feel safe and perhaps find comfort in knowing that mental health does not discriminate and affects all people in numerous ways. I am comfortable in divulging the fact that I have experienced every level of mental health issues from one end of the spectrum to the other – from mild to severe, at one time or another. I suppose there is no better place to start then at the beginning so lets dive right in…

The earliest moment in my life where I first experienced the symptoms of depression was when I was 17 years old. It was during this time that my beloved pet dog, Jasmine, had passed away. We met when I was only 3 years old, and suddenly she was gone. I had lost my best friend. Despite Jasmine being a dog, we were very much alike as we both had a low-maintenance, chilled out vibe. Sometimes I would fall asleep next to her on the floor because I just wanted to be near her. At this point, I had never experienced a greater loss than I did that day. Looking back, this feeling only just scratched the surface of what it is like to experience depression, if you can even classify it as such. Keep in mind that the content of this article deals with my experiences only. Everyone is on their own path and has their own experiences with mental health. My story does not speak for everyone.

A year later is really when I got myself into a mess. I had entered into a relationship with a person who I should not have due to a plethora of reasons. Being 18 at the time, I take full responsibility for my actions and realize that it was a selfish choice on my part as well. It was clear that I had made an exceedingly terrible choice, and in turn it caused a great deal of grief for many people. For that I am deeply sorry.

At approximately the 2 year mark of this relationship, I was severely depressed. I wanted to escape the emotional anguish. It was torture, and was the worst pain I had ever experienced. I was staying with my wonderful grandparents for a period time while my own parents were attempting sort out their relationship. One afternoon, I had asked my mother to deliver my medication as I was running low, however she did not realize that I had an alternate plan. At this point, I wasn’t entirely sure that I would follow through, but as the evening droned on, I had reached a level where I was past the point of what I could handle mentally, and decided to swallowed approximately 10 painkillers. This is approximately 500 mg of amitriptyline, which is 3.33 times the recommended maximum dose. I desperately needed relief, and that was the only thing that would provide it immediately.

Once the drugs started to kick in, I became increasingly frightened and proceeded to inform my grandmother of what I had done. She called my mom, and they both sped me away to the Cobequid Hospital in Sackville. The last memory I have of that evening was passing out in the car as my mom was slapping my leg to try and keep me conscious. She was shouting at me to stay awake, but I could no longer keep my eyes open. I had slipped into darkness.

The next thing I remember is waking in the Intensive Care Unit, coughing. Not realizing that I had been intubated, I was trying to cover my mouth to prevent my saliva from spreading, but someone kept pushing my hand away from my face. I had a machine breathe for me, and the hospital workers thought I was trying to remove the tube. The tube in my throat was causing me to cough, and I was therefore only trying to be polite by covering my mouth! Once I was conscious, the tube was removed from my throat and I was breathing on my own again. My recollections of initially waking up are very unclear but I partially remember 3 things: thinking of the fact that what I had chosen to do had failed, my parents and/or grandparents were on either side of my hospital bed gripping my hands tightly, and my entire body was in severe physical pain. It felt like I had been hit by a transfer truck.

I was informed that my heart had given out and stopped beating. My lungs had stopped breathing on their own. I had at least 4 physicians working on me at once to attempt to resuscitate me. I do not know the amount of time that had passed from when I first slipped into unconsciousness to when my lungs and heart began to work again. However, I am aware of the fact that my parents were warned that I may have had severe brain damage. They didn’t expect me to wake up to be a person of possessing the same brain functionalities as I had before I swallowed the pills. The doctors had also informed my mom that had I taken one more pill, waited two more minutes to tell my grandmother what I had done, or had driven to a hospital that was farther away, I would have been a lost cause.

It had taken quite some time for me to feel like myself again; a few years at least. Time does not heal all wounds, but it can ease the pain. I relied heavily on the people around me. I am forever in their debt. This near death-by-suicide occurred only a couple of weeks prior to when I was supposed to start my first semester of university. I received credit for only one course, and dropped out for the remainder of the year.

I still deal with varying degrees of depression and mental health issues, but I have accepted that it is part of who I am. It is never constant, but that means I have good times too. For me, depression behaves as a tide does – it comes and goes, ebbs and floods. It does not make me any less of a person. It has taught me that it is ok to put myself first, and to make my health a priority. It has taught me to be more sensitive, understanding and accepting. It has taught me that we are not doing enough for mental health patients and that there is much more work to do.

After being at the center of the mental health system in Nova Scotia, I witnessed these issues first hand, and felt compelled to do something – anything that I could. The idea came to me very quickly. During my hospital stay, I became reacquainted with skateboarding thanks to my buddy Heather. Even though it was something I never had much skill for, I still appreciated and enjoyed it as a sport. The initial plan for the fundraiser was to skateboard from Halifax to Moncton.

After finding out that the use of a skateboard on a highway is illegal due to safety concerns, I was forced to regroup and decided to hold two separate events. Over the course of the following year, I organised a fundraising project for mental health in Canada called Skating for my Sanity. The first event was held at a local bar, and included a silent auction with live bands. The second event was held at the Halifax Commons skate park, and included skateboarding contests and prizes. The latter event was held on the one-year anniversary of when I swallowed those pills, and coincidentally, today, August the 18th, 2017 marks 6 years since I made the largest decision of my life.

When all was said and done, the amount raised was approximately $6500. The funds were divided between the Canadian Mental Health Association and the Mental Health Foundation of Nova Scotia. The Skating for my Sanity fundraising project is one of the things that I am most proud of myself for.

It is crucial that I thank everyone who has been a part of this journey. To everyone who was there for me in body and in spirit, to everyone who donated, to everyone who had a hand in assisting with the fundraisers, to everyone who sent me cards and notes, and to everyone who listened, thank you.

Check back for Part 2 where I will discuss the remainder of my time in university and the challenges that ensued over the next 6 or so years.

Carboniferous Compendium

Good day folks! I am writing to you from my new home for the next little while in River Hebert. It is a town of less than 500 hundred people, situated adjacent to a lesser populated town called Joggins in Northwestern Nova Scotia. Joggins is home to the Joggins Fossil Center and the Joggins Fossil Cliffs, collectively known as the Joggins Fossil Institute. In 2008, Joggins was dubbed a UNESCO World Heritage Site. In addition, it is a town that is known for its rich history and participation in the coal mining industry, mainly during the 19th century.

I have been fortunate enough to have an offer of employment for the summer at the Fossil Institute. My job as a Geologic Interpreter is to lead tours of the Fossil Cliffs and explain the history, geology and paleontology to visitors. The tours are 30 minutes, 2 hours, or 4 hours in duration. When I am not interpreting, I help out at the admissions desk/gift shop. I am also assisting the curator of the Fossil Center, Dr. Melissa Grey, in photographing and cataloguing fossils. My hope is that this job will kick-start my career in geology and paleontology, as it is my first official full-time, albeit temporary, job in the Earth Sciences.

The Fossil Cliffs at Joggins span 15 million years of geologic time within the Carboniferous period, and the UNESCO site spans 15 kilometers. Because the bedding in the cliff is tilted, one would walk back through geologic time as they head north along the beach. Alternatively, if one were to head southward, they would be walking ahead through time. Therefore, for each kilometer that you walk, you are essentially walking through 1 million years of time. That also works out to be 1000 years for every meter. So essentially, you would walk through nearly 1000 years of geologic time with every step. Think about that for a brief minute and make an effort to put it into perspective.

The Carboniferous is a period of time (otherwise known as the “Coal Age”) and spans approximately 300 to 360 million years ago. This time frame is approximately 100 million years earlier than when the first dinosaurs evolved! The World Heritage Site is absolutely peppered with immaculately preserved fossils. Most of these are of former plant life, including fossilized tree roots, leaf impressions, and entire sections of “stone trees.” In addition, there is ample evidence for animal life including the world’s first terrestrial (land) snail called Dendropupa, and the largest known terrestrial invertebrate, a 2 meter long millipede named Arthropleura. But the real kicker is this: Joggins is home to the earliest known reptile (Hylonomus lyelli), the “great-great-grandmother” of all dinosaurs. Its fossilized and disarticulated skeleton was found inside a tree stump in 1852 by a Nova Scotian geologist, Sir William Dawson. Dawson was initially sent to Joggins to study the coal and attempt to decipher the conditions of its formation. He is also the namesake for the undergraduate geological society at Dalhousie University, the Dawson Geology Club.

Hylonomus was the first animal to ever adapt to a fully terrestrial lifestyle, and is the earliest known ancestor to all amniotes (four-limbed animals with a vertebra who lay their eggs on land, or the fertilized egg is retained within the mother). This includes modern day reptiles such as lizards and alligators, as well as birds, dinosaurs, and mammals. It is quite accurate that if Hylonomus was never able to fully adapt to a life on land, you or I would not be here writing or reading this post. Allow that to sink in for a moment.

In conclusion, I feel extremely fortunate to know what I want to do with my life and the direction I want my career to go in. The majority of the population is not so privileged. My time at Joggins has confirmed this very quickly, and I am very much looking forward to the remainder of the summer here in Joggins.

Standing beneath a fossilized lycopod tree (approximately 300 million years old) at the Joggins Fossil Cliffs. Photo Credit: Dana Brown.

The Earth Ring

Hi again folks, thanks for coming back! Firstly, I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has checked out my first post on this website. It was very well received!
As my final semester at Dalhousie University starts to come to a close, items on my personal and professional check-list are starting to be marked as complete. One of those items being the acquisition of my Earth Ring. I realize that this piece of jewelry sounds like something out of a film based on a free-spirited, Middle Earth-loving Hobbit hippie mash-up. But I can assure you that it is much more meaningful. I have compiled information about the ring and its accompanying ceremony below. It is quite a neat little thing to be a part of. The majority of the information comes from myepsa.ca.

The Earth Science Ring Ceremony, a ritual of welcome into the profession of newly qualified geologists and geophysicists by senior practicing Earth scientists, started in Alberta in 1975. This yearly tradition for the university geoscience graduating classes at Edmonton and Calgary has spread to other provinces and jurisdictions in Canada. The ceremony carries many of the same passages written for the Engineers’ Iron Ring Ceremony and symbolizes the commitment and responsibility that come with the title of a professional. The Earth Ring reflects the individual values of practising Geoscientists and the trust society places in them.

Like the Engineer’s Iron Ring, the Earth Science Ring’s simplicity and strength bear witness to the calling of the geologist and geophysicist. The ring is made of silver and marked with the crossed hammer of geology and with the seismic trace of geophysics -signifying both the immediate and the remote searching out of nature’s knowledge. Without beginning and without end, it also represents for those who wear it, the continuous interplay of ideas and of material realities.

The ceremony includes a speech by senior Earth scientists and an obligation (pledge) taken by the group of newly graduated geologists and geophysicists. The ring is presented by the Association of Professional Geoscientists of Nova Scotia (APGNS).

In the Land Before Time

Hi everyone! Welcome to my first-ever blog. I have started this project as I work through the last month or two of my undergraduate degree at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada; a feat that will have taken 8 years to complete…(that will be a topic for a later post). But for now, I wanted to let you all in on my soon-to-be post-university, geological  adventures in an attempt to share with you just how fascinating this earth is. I also wanted to give a quick shout out to my sister. She came up with the title for this blog page “Full of Schist”…I know, I was also impressed. Thanks Britt!

My hope for the blog is that it ignites a passion for learning in you like it did in me, and gives you something worthwhile to come back to read about. My blogs will be approximately a 50/50 split to include my adventures as a young geologist, and educational pieces to spread some knowledge (and to hopefully keep you from becoming too bored of my personal journey). It may occasionally include what ever else may be rattling around in my noggin at the time. I would like it to be interactive, so feel free to send me any ideas you would like to see me write about. I will try to keep all content comprehendible for the average layman, but I want you to learn new concepts and vocabulary, too. For future reference, I will use ‘geology’ and ‘earth science’ interchangeably. As for today, I will tell you how my geological journey began.

In grade 10, as a freshmen in high school, my friends (not that I had many), kept insisting that I needed to take the oceanography course, Oceans 11. The teacher for that class was called Mr. Burke, and he was known as one of the most beloved teachers in the school. I was also informed that it was a class where the material was not difficult to understand. Needless to say, I enrolled in Oceans 11 for the following semester.

From the first day, I knew immediately that I was going to enjoy this class. Mr. Burke was quite the character and had a wicked sense of humor which I appreciated very much. He was easily the funniest and kindest teacher I had thus far. He would remain the best teacher I have ever had. Sometimes at lunch, my friend Jason, Mr. Burke and myself would bring our guitars to school and have a little jam session in his classroom. We would rock out to songs by The Beatles, The Eagles, or anything else that was created long before Jason or I were born.

As the term went on, I became overly interested in the course material. There were topics which overlapped into geology, like plate tectonics. I remember wanting to learn as much as I could, as fast as I could. I didn’t mind studying for tests and exams, or completing homework assignments for the class. I feel lucky to have had this experience as it really was the beginning for me.

I was told by other students that if I liked oceanography, that I would most likely enjoy Mr. Connors (unofficially titled) “Rocks for Jocks” class. It was a grade 12 geology course. So the following year, my cousin, Michelle and I both decided to take it together. She was in grade 12 and I was in grade 11 at this point. Michelle and I never heard the end of the Mad Hatter jokes (however we both obtained the highest marks in the class – around 95-96%). Mr. Connors was just as passionate about rocks as Mr. Burke was about the ocean, and he became one of my favorite teachers as well. These two men helped me to realize my passion and the type of career I wanted to have. I will be forever grateful for that.

Before my time in high school, I was like the average person who though that a rock was just a boring, hard, gray object found on the ground. I thought that certain minerals and fossils were cool but that was about the extent of it. What I learned from Oceans 11 and Geology 12 was that geology is more than a boring gray hard thing on the ground. Each rock represents a unique story, and the stories they tell are something that I couldn’t have dreamed of at the time. In addition, geology isn’t just about rocks! It includes earth processes, and the study of deep time.

Geology tends to be labeled as the “easy” branch of science. What most people do not realize is that the field of geology is a melting pot where almost every other branch of science is included. For example, we use:

• chemistry
• physics
• biology
• mathematics
• engineering
• statistics
• geography
• economics
• environmental science
• microscopy
• computer science/programming

There are also other skills that may be useful as a geologist, such as art or sketching, photography, and any labs skills. Albeit, most of us specialize at some point in our career where all of the above may not be used or needed. However, if you want to become professionally certified as a geologist, you need to have taken courses in the majority of the sciences listed above.

In conclusion, during my last year in high school, I was accepted to Dalhousie University for the following school year to study science. I was also accepted into Saint Marys University in Halifax for the arts program, but as you can most likely infer, I chose to study science and major in earth sciences at Dal. The rest is history, but the future awaits…and I can’t wait to see where in the world it will take me.